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Uh-Oh: This Children’s Birthday Clown Is Getting Political

Listen, no one’s more pro-free speech more than me, okay? I’ve got the First Amendment as my email signature. I walked in both Women’s Marches. Both! A democracy dies in darkness. I just wish this clown I hired for Aiden’s birthday would have pulled a rabbit out of his hat instead of a list of all the senators who voted Yes to extending the NSA’s spying power. Is that unreasonable? Am I being too uptight? Censorship is slavery.

Again, I’m so pro-free speech it hurts. The only way to heal the growing divide in this country is to cultivate an open and honest dialogue that makes room for all beliefs and viewpoints, no matter how polarizing. But does Mr. Kaplooey, Tucson's Most Affordable Klowneroony, really have to chant “Justice for Flint!” while juggling bottles of contaminated tap water? I’m just not sure it will resonate with these seven-year-olds.

Oh but would you look at this. Aiden’s friend Marcie is crying because her balloon of Mitch McConnell introducing a bill that would defund Planned Parenthood popped. Will someone get Marcie another balloon please? Maybe ask Mr. Kaplooey if he can do a cat or something?

I just want these tykes to have a fun day. You only get to be a kid once, and they deserve to hold onto their innocence a little longer and experience the world in all its carefree splendor. But … I also don’t want to encourage voter apathy in the face of a shift towards deepening authoritarianism. Man, Mr. Kaplooey’s Craigslist ad didn’t mention any of this.

Ah but see, the song he’s now having everyone sing is clearly about abolishing the electoral college. I mean it’s not even subtle. He’s just replacing the lyrics of Row Row Row Your Boat with lines from a Robert Reich op-ed. I suppose you could argue that it’s educational. It does go into a lot of detail about what superdelegates are. But couldn’t he have sang, like, literally anything else?

Wait wait wait, I must have missed something. Honey, why do all the kids have their phones out? Cheryl? What’s with the phones babe? He told them to call their senators and demand they support the new budget amendment to prevent Republicans from making cuts to Medicare? I … well … no no it’s fine. Democracy dies in darkness. Censorship is slavery.

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